A Reason to Be
by starrylaa
Summary: You can’t take her pain away you don’t think you ever can. And it kills you because every inch of you, every fibre of your being has this need to protect her. It’s an emotion so much stronger than anything you ever felt for Lilly. The story of Logan and V


**A Reason to Be**

**Title**: A Reason to Be  
**Author: **starrylaa  
**Pairing/Character: **Logan/Veronica  
**Word Count: **3815**  
Rating: **PG-13**  
Summary:** _You can't take her pain away; you don't think you ever can. And it kills you because every inch of you, every fibre of your being has this need to protect her. It's an emotion so much stronger than anything you ever felt for Lilly. _The story of Logan and Veronica through Logan's eyes  
**Spoilers: **All of season one and two**  
Author notes: **This is set to Hoobastank's The Reason, I don't know if it's been done before, but to me it epitomises everything Logan feels towards Veronica and I had to write it.

_I am not a perfect person…_

The first time you see her she's playing soccer in ridiculous knee length socks and she's wearing ludicrously short shorts. You're not sure but you think you're feeling a bit strange.

Pass the imagery, you see a girl who's vivid and carefree and for a moment you glimpse into a world of colour and what it must feel like to be _alive._

When her face turns in your direction it's not you she sees, but the dark-haired boy beside you and crushingly, you see she's captivated.

It'll be that way for a while.

_There's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning_

Everything with Lilly Kane is one hell of a mess. She's playing a mind game with you that you can't control. You screw things up and you screw her and everything is one intangible roller coaster ride of emotions. But you love her- you think or know or _something. _You let her be the one to seek beneath the surface (because this is Lilly and Lilly has that kind of effect on people) yet later you'll discover she never ever does; she doesn't even try.

Lilly Kane's life is one long soap opera and somewhere, somehow you're in it. Sucked in that world with her best friend and brother and as dark as that should be, there's light at the end of the tunnel. The four of you fit together and are stuck together like glue. Lilly's your girlfriend. Duncan's your best friend. Veronica's your girlfriend's best friend; your best friend's girlfriend. The one at the other end whom you love to tease because you love to make her laugh. The one you protect almost like a sister. The one whose world you aren't at wont to shatter.

But of course it does and you're the one holding the hammer.

_I never meant to do those things to you…_

You've lost your girlfriend, first by heart (or is it by body?) and then by soul. Your girlfriend's gone from you and gone for good and is never coming back. You lash out and blame Veronica because god damn it! Your heart's broken and you can't tell whether it's because Lilly left you in every sense of the word or because Veronica, the person you called a friend, betrayed you.

You rip her world apart, even though she was being her typical loyal self to Lilly. Then you rip it up more because she had the _choice _of choosing friends or family and she chose her father because she loved him blindly, like any daughter devoted to her father would. And you resent that because it's something you can never understand.

_And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know: I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be…_

It's easy to forget a friendship- the laughter, the good times, the peace. The symbolic hand offering of friendship, the many innocent sleepovers, the videogame marathons, the ganging up: Kanes vs. the Echoll and the Mars, Duncan and you pushing the girls into the pool (countless times and always, always ending up being pulled in too), the Fabulous Four Christmas Parties (overly excessive and fabulously executed). It's easy to forget the many secrets shared, the many memories created and the bond the two of you specifically forged together.

You forget them when you shun her (she's not your friend anymore. She's violated everything your friendship stood for.)

You forget when you publicly mock her, the jibes about her fallen father and alcoholic mother attacking her from left, right and centre (her tears hardly act as a deterrent and instead add fuel to the fire.)

You forget when you indulge in the rumours and the taunts (anything to make her feel the pain you do.)

You forget at Shelley Pomroy's party (you laugh at her sheer audacity) and seek to humiliate her in her alcoholic stupor.

You forget because it's easier to deal with things like this. You've rearranged Veronica in the equation and you refuse to let her hurt you anymore.

When she turns up to school on the following Monday of the party, her long hair is cut off too short and she's wearing some punk ass outfit. Her eyes are like steel, impenetrable to the world, unseeing to Neptune. She's changed and you know you're to blame.

This one is harder to mock, harder to break. For a moment your mind traces the path back, trying to remember what she was like before and how things were, but you've found you've forgotten.

_A reason to start over new…_

It's been almost a year since Lilly died. Abel Kootz is still being charged with her murder, Duncan's still some whacko zombie obsessing over She-who-we-dare-not-speak-thou-name and you're as unfeeling as ever. Veronica's still the social outcast and you're still a bastard towards her but things have changed slightly. The taunts are commonplace and the pain has almost gone. You'd never admit it to anyone, but you enjoy the snark.

You know she discovered the truth about Caitlin Easy Ford and maybe you should be grateful (hey, at least you don't have to pretend to like that pink scooter anymore.)

And then she hands you _those _videos despite everything that has happened between you. She's offering the only connection between you, the link to the past…and you take it.

It's amazing how easy it is to remember.

You go to her in your darkest hour. You could have picked anyone, hired any PI, hell, you could have even tried the sleuthing thing yourself. But your mind is so deep down in grief (how is it you can never keep a hold on the women you love?) that you're not thinking clearly, because somehow your mind leads your feet to Veronica.

The strangest part is when she doesn't turn you away despite everything and it's almost as if she's been expecting you all the while.

Conversation between you takes an almost normal edge and at some point you realise you've missed being around her like this. You'd forgotten the light she used to bring into your life.

…_and the reason is you_

It's strange how you've found yourself in a predicament similar to one that Veronica once faced. You find out about her _investigation _and you can't _not _tell Duncan because he has a right to know.

And that makes you feel a bit guilty.

You ring her because you want her to know (you don't want your head kicked in later) and Veronica ends up getting freaking _hijacked. _She's counting on the chance that you'll help her and it's funny how that desire to protect her becomes yet again instinctive. Someone's hurting Veronica and it's ironic but it makes you mad, and God you swear you've never raced anywhere so fast in your life. When you punch whoever the hell he is (punch first, think later) you wonder where the person was to punch _you _to the ground all those many times before.

And when you kiss her the both of you are taken by surprise. It wasn't supposed to happen. But it did. You hated her. But you don't. She's _Veronica. _And you _kissed _her.

_I'm sorry that I hurt you; it's something I must live with everyday._

There hasn't been colour in your life for a long time, maybe since before Lilly, and yet suddenly with Veronica a rainbow of colours has exploded onto the asphalt and everything is vibrant. What the two of you have is explosive and electric and it should feel so wrong, but it doesn't. "Right" doesn't even cover it.

You can't expect Veronica to forget everything she's suffered. Yet somehow she's willing to forgive you, and you admire that; you admire her so much. She brings out a side to you that you never thought you had, your (dare you say it) affectionate side. You've never laughed at anything so hard in your existence.

Veronica Mars is making you feel again and this relatively unknown emotion scares you. But between bathroom kisses and asking her out on a date (you were shit scared, but you couldn't let it show) you're willing to risk whatever it takes to be with her and keep on feeling this way.

_And all the pain I put you through, I wish I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears…_

You hated it when she ignored you and even more so when you found out why.

You spend an hour waiting for her to turn up for your date, you heart breaking by the minute. Everything had been meticulously planned and thought out, from picking her favourite dessert (chocolate fudge cake with squirty cream, you remember that one from before) to choosing her favourite music (you stole the CD from her car when she wasn't looking.) When she doesn't turn up you wonder if every woman is just like Lilly.

Every attempt to approach Veronica is rebuked. Your girlfriend is cutting you off and hell, you aren't going to rest in peace until you find out why.

The truth is worse than anything you ever imagined. You can barely get your head around the word "rape" and suddenly you're being accused.

So it turns out she doesn't trust you and you can't convince her otherwise- you were a monster back then, capable of anything. You know you didn't do it (and could never! Not even with the hatred you felt) but the fact that you as good as let it happens means that you should be burning at the stake with Veronica lighting the pyre.

You can't take her pain away; you don't think you ever can. And it kills you because every inch of you, every fibre of your being has this need to protect her. It's an emotion so much stronger than anything you ever felt for Lilly. It's beyond like. It's beyond lust. It's beyond anything you think you're capable of feeling and the fact that you can't keep her completely safe (at least not from your former self) breaks you in such a way, you wonder if she can see the broken fragments in your eyes.

_That's what I need you to hear. I'm not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you._

You wonder if the betrayal of Veronica Mars can be more complete.

First she accuses you of rape, which okay; you bite at because they're understandable claims. But to accuse you of murdering her best friend- your _girlfriend? _How can she doubt you? Does she not know or understand you at all? Is there really no trust in your relationship?

When the truth eventually comes out, everything is put into perspective while at the same time shattering painfully into oblivion.

Your father was screwing your girlfriend and then murdered her. If that isn't enough to drive you crazy then you don't know what the hell is.

Veronica ran out on you in the pool house because she discovered cameras…which she thought you were using to film the two of you and that you would then use them to humiliate her. (Turns out she doesn't quite believe that thing about redemption.)

She doesn't interrogate you, or let you explain; instead she does the Veronica Thing and blocks you out, turning you into the ready hands of good old Sheriff Lamb. And suddenly the hatred you feel for Veronica Mars is enough to parallel that hatred you once felt. Or maybe the feeling is actually immense hurt, but it's hard to tell; you stopped feeling an hour or so ago.

Armed with all this knowledge you're blindingly drunk and perched precariously on a bridge somewhere, waiting to get struck by lightning or something. You might as well go out with a bang.

And then the PCHers come and absolute hell breaks loose. Hey, what's new anyway?

Not once does it occur to you that Veronica may be in trouble.

Somehow you find yourself back into Veronica's arms and it's okay because she's forgiven you and you've forgiven her. But there remains some wedge between you. The trouble is neither of you have really talked about what's happened. You're dodging the subject as if it's some contagious disease and instead of dealing with the problem at hand together, you're dealing with it apart; your method more dangerous than hers. It's the breaking point and suddenly you find yourself alone again.

_And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know: I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be…_

When she started dating Duncan you thought you had no more heart left to be crushed. Turns out there's still some small fragments left and she's taken them with glee, spat at them and thrown them in that trusted blender of hers. Oh well, you don't need your heart anyway. It's just a big instrument of pain.

You screw Kendall because let's face it, your life's so messed up you might as well go further. Kendall's an outlet of vented up frustrations. She lets you feel without actually feeling and you need this, but it's killing your soul by the minute.

Hannah's a distraction, but you'd be kidding yourself if you weren't attracted to the fact that she reminds you (physically) of Veronica and the fact she isn't makes you push her away.

Veronica's an arm length away but is unattainable. Your best friend's girlfriend once more and it hurts more than you let on. You can't let go. You won't. She was the only person who could shine colour in your life and you'd be damned if you let that go. Hence the drunken epic speech, which by the sounds of it (you really can't remember- maybe that's your cue to give up the alcohol) was Oscar-worthy (or should it be Epic-worthy?). Shame you messed it up with the whole Kendall thing, but hey, you're a pro at this now. Being a jackass comes naturally. And it's official: Veronica Mars hates you.

Or so you think.

So when you get the text there's no doubt in your mind who it's from. You don't question why she's texting you, but (your recently built in) Spidy-sense tells you trouble is in the air. You run- no _sprint _to the roof where you're confronted with Beaver pointing a gun in Veronica's face.

You've only saved Veronica's life twice, missing that other more valuable instance the time before. The first time round, Veronica trusted that you'd come, hostility and all. She's using that same instinct now and you _know _without a doubt that she still cares about you. This thought is taken over by sheer fear not for yourself, but for _her. _You actions are controlled not through your mind but through the very organ you thought gone. This situation is far more perilous than previously and all you care about is saving Veronica. She's been struck by her own taser (you know it hurts like hell because you tried it on yourself that time you were bored) and she's being threatened with a gun and Beaver is doing some act he obviously learnt from _Psycho. _The tables turn and Veronica's now the one with the gun and she hits you with something akin to a bullet, first by the knowledge that her father is dead, second by the fact Beaver blew up all the people on the bus and third (and most crushing of all) that Veronica really was raped and by _Beaver. _You want to beat him to a bloody pulp and kick his ass to Jupiter but you refrain until later. You have to pacify Veronica (because hey, aren't you the one who got voted most likely to turn into a homicidal maniac in the yearbook?) and despite everything that has happened you know that Veronica isn't a killer. It's just not her. And then Beaver (or Cassidy, whatever the hell his name is) jumps of the building and ends this particular fiasco.

It's funny how natural it is for Veronica to embrace you. It's like she never let go and you're going to have to hold her close then hold her closer to keep her safe from the world that's crashing down on her. You're Logan Echolls and you refuse to hold that hammer anymore.

…**_A reason to start over new and the reason is_you. _I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know, a reason for all that I do, and the reason is… you._**

When she's done talking to her father she finds you by the pool, watching your reflection and trying to find what is there. When you see her floaty image beside yours, you turn to her; your eyes are a maelstrom of emotions. The two of you stare intently at each other and neither of you can turn away. She reaches up to kiss you in more than just gratitude and it's like the first kiss you ever shared. It's explosive and electric and all-consuming and for the first time in a long time you're _alive _again. It's been so long since the two of you connected like this and you're devouring each other at such a rate you're sure the two of you will end up falling sideways into the pool.

Eventually you break away. The two of you are breathless and she's biting her lip, a little nervous. You're nervous too; your heart's beating so fast it's supernova-bound. She looks slightly uncertain and makes as if to move away but your hand reaches out in reflex. This is the chance to say what you need to; if you don't you'll end up losing her again and you _can't_. It's usually hard for you to come up with the right words, but around Veronica that's never been the problem (just the alcohol.)

"I'm sorry," your voice echoes around the courtyard.

She looks at you in confusion. "For what?"

You respond without hesitation. "For hurting you. For everything."

The look she gives you tells you she doesn't fully comprehend and you take a deep breath and start again.

"I'm sorry for pushing you away when Lilly died. I was hurt and I felt betrayed and I took that out on you and made your life hell, even though we were supposed to be friends. I'm sorry I gave you a reason not to trust me, to think I'd hurt you, lie to you, rape you and murder Lilly. Ever since I can remember my life has been distorted, black and white and a lifeless existence. When I first saw you, I had a glimpse of light and colour. As a friend you kept my spirits up, was the light at the end of my tunnel. When Lilly died everything fell into chaos and spiralled downwards. When my mother died everything was darkness. And then you came back into my life. You helped me when you didn't have to, and then I ended up saving your life." You want to add (but are afraid to) that she saved your life that day too. But you can't tell her that, not just yet. It's hard to be completely honest, to be completely vulnerable.

You flash her a grin to show her you haven't completely lost it. "You're the only one Veronica, who has ever made me _feel _and who has ever made me feel worthy of who I am. I hate how you thought I raped you and even more when you didn't trust me enough to believe that I was innocent, but I got passed it."

Your eyes suddenly flash violently, possessed inexplicably by the next thought. "I _hate _how I couldn't save you from the one person whom I abhor and fear the most. The one person who has made my life the hell it is hurt the only person who managed to turn that around and I couldn't _save _you from the bastard! You've never shown the pain he inflicted, but the scars- both physical and mental are there and it tears me up." Your voice is so soft it's barely audible and she's hanging on to every word you say.

"It's okay Logan." Her eyes are wet with tears and so are yours.

"It's not!" Your hands are on her shoulders and your foreheads touching. The tears are running though whether they are yours are hers you can't tell. "Last summer I acted the way I did not because of the Felix thing, not because you thought I killed Lilly, but because my dad screwed things up big time and tried to take the one precious thing I had, and yet the last thing I had said to you was to stick your head in the oven."

Her lips twitch. "It actually seems kind of funny looking back at it now."

And you smile at that.

"I'm sorry I couldn't see clear enough to see I was losing you. I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I'm sorry about the Kendall thing and for drunken epic speeches…"

She laughs at the last bit.

"I'm sorry too," she whispers. Your hand moves from her shoulder to touch her cheek, her eyes captivated.

"You mean so much to me," and you don't know if she'll ever understand how much.

She's nodding and agreeing and saying the same. What the two of you have is not simple, it's sure as hell not easy and it's not the simplest love song ever written. It's a lot more complicated than that and you're glad because you were never one for logic.

You want to tell her you love her but you figure you've run out of mushy-points. Instead you kiss again…and end up both falling in the pool despite your previous attempts to avoid it.

Epic love sure is grand.


End file.
